Chapter 16 of A Year to Live is entitled “Life Review.” If you have been following my blogs you will remember that in Blog #3 I shared the Lifeline Exercise from Dr. Trout’s book To See Differently where we created a graph with the highs and lows, i.e., joys and sorrows, of our lives. If you did not do that exercise then, you might want to do it now. If you need the instructions again let me know, and I will send them to you. I find it a very useful tool for reviewing the events of my life and discovering things that I might want to work on healing.
Many people who have had a Near Death Experience report that the process included a vivid total or partial review of their lives. They were able to see the major and minor events of their lives that caused joy or sorrow. Levine reminds us that memories of the past are of three kinds: pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Pleasant experiences generate joy and gratitude. Unpleasant events create negative feelings of anger, guilt, and fear. Neutral experiences are neither pleasant nor unpleasant, and we probably do not remember them so well. The purpose of doing a life review as an exercise is to clear our minds of unhealed, unfinished business so that we can approach dying and death with clarity and peace. Waiting until the moment of death, or near death, is not the time to begin doing this work. Right now is the best time, the sooner the better.
For me, a primary goal of the life review is to remember the good times and giving thanks for the goodness in my life. However, when I remember painful times such as the horrible pain of grief when my son Bobby ended his life even now, many years later, when such things as the anniversary of his death comes around, I feel that pain again, and I regret things I did and did not do, did or did not say. I anguish that my love for him was not enough to keep him alive. When I find myself feeling that fearful state of grief once again, I consciously and intentionally decide to choose love instead. I bring to mind one of the Principles of Attitudinal Healing that states “I can focus on the whole of life rather than the fragments.” In this instance, it means to remember the eighteen years of life that I had with Bobby and the fun times and love we shared; and I choose to move out of the fear state of painful grief. I give thanks for our time together in this lifetime and bring myself back into a state of equanimity.
When a painful memory or event surfaces from our unconscious mind, it is beneficial to mindfully examine the specifics of the event to help us let go of the pain and heal the wound. We use all the tools at our disposal to move through the pain and do the work of healing. A major tool is forgiveness. Forgiveness is important to the healing process and to making our lives better, more joyful, full of life, in the present moment.
My experience with forgiveness began when I started studying Attitudinal Healing and continued into the 1990s with Stephen and Ondrea Levine workshops. It is also part of my Buddhist training. The process that I still find most helpful is one taught by Levine that he describes in depth in his book Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living Conscious Dying. This is a process that I used over and over again after Bobby died − saying to myself over and over again the words: I forgive you, please forgive me, I forgive myself. I have done this many times over the years, with specific people in mind with whom I have had dysfunctional and disruptive relationships. What I was, and am, actually working on is forgiving myself. There is really nothing I can do to change another person; I can only change myself. Stating the words to forgive another person is helpful for clearing my mind state, but doesn’t really do anything for the other person. Forgiving myself for the harm I have done or the hurt that I have perceived as coming from another, is truly about myself, my own state of mind.
In our present chapter, Levine suggests using our minds or journals to have a conversation with a person whom we perceive as having hurt or harmed us, then to allow that person to talk back to us in the same manner. This exercise helps to clear the air within our own minds, leading to the possibility of doing the forgiveness process. This is probably the safest way to approach a situation that is still potentially hostile and/or harmful. It is not about condoning the hurtful behavior of another person, nor necessarily allowing them to continue to be an active part of our life, unless we want that. It is about seeing beyond the behavior to the heart of that person and allowing them to be as they are. Sometimes it is still necessary to remove ourselves from relationship with them. Sometimes it is still not possible to forgive them or ourselves. However, Levine has said, “It is OK to forgive an abuser, but we don’t have to invite them into our homes.”
Another way to work on healing relationships is to find ways to “make amends.” This reminds me of one of the twelve steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program. I remember receiving a letter once from a man whom I had met, liked, and planned to work with offering healing workshops, but he suddenly disappeared from my life leaving me bereft, curious about what had happened to him, and saddened. His letter was his way of making amends, instigated by his finding and adhering to the steps of AA.
Sometimes I recognize the need to make amends with someone who is no longer in my life, such as, when they have died or moved away or disconnected from me. In that case, I can still make amends from a distance, by writing to them, or saying the words silently in my own mind or aloud by myself. I often use a form of forgiveness from the Hawaiian tradition of “Ho’oponopono,” saying the words “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” In addition, I have found that making amends is an excellent way to keep current relationships healthy and loving. Whenever I feel the anguish of conflict with or separation from someone I love and/or respect, or when I realize that I have done something hurtful to another, I try to express my regret immediately, sometimes silently in my own mind. Sometimes, I say I am sorry even when I have not been the one to deliver the hurt.
It is good to remember that a life review is a reflection of past events. It is a contemplation of residual feelings about the events, not the events themselves. And it is an opportunity to work through those feelings so that we can return to a state of loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and peace. Levine reminds us to take it slow and easy, to be kind to ourselves, to let go of judgment of ourselves and others, and to love ourselves and be grateful for life. He offers a statement from the Buddha: “You could look the whole world over and never find anyone more deserving of love than yourself.”
Now, when I look back over my life, I see a lot of things I am grateful for, and a lot of places where I have worked on healing the wounds. I also realize that there are still places, events, situations, relationships that are painful at times, and I know that I can choose to do the mental, emotional, spiritual work necessary to heal those places. I am grateful for the tools I have learned through Attitudinal Healing and Buddhism, psychotherapy, and many amazing teachers. These tools help me move forward towards equanimity and peace.
In doing a life review now, we can let go of the past − memories, wounds, regrets, burdens − and begin to live more openly, more freely, here and now. As we become more mindful, more aware each moment of what is happening, we can choose to celebrate the good and loving parts of our lives and continuously let go of the bad or fearful. As we become more loving on a daily basis, moment by moment, we are able to live our lives more intentionally and completely. And we will be able to approach the moment of dying, with equanimity and grace when it is time for us to do that. May it be so.
Self-inquiry questions:
1. Have you done a life review? How was it for you? What did you learn about yourself?
2. What role does forgiveness play in your life? Do you have a forgiveness practice?
3. What practices have you incorporated into your life that help you to be more loving, kind, peaceful, and happy?
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