Chapter 19 which is very short reminds us of the importance of regular journaling. Journaling can take many forms: poems, paintings, prose, letters, anything that records our feelings and can be referred to at another time. Journaling is something I have done for years, not regularly as It is recommended to do, but off and on whenever I feel the need for clarification of my thoughts and feelings. I have not used a formal journal, fancy cover, unusual shape; I have used three-hole notebooks generally used for school work. I have a couple of boxes of them in the garage. I rarely look at my old journals, although some of my friends do theirs and find them informative and interesting.
Levine states that journaling is a way of “noting,” referring to one of the techniques used during Mindfulness Meditation. During meditation, we train ourselves to notice when thoughts and feelings arise in that moment. We notice when they arise and when they move on, over and over again. In doing this we are reminded that no thought or feeling is permanent, everything is always arising and falling away. A thought or feeling might return in the very next moment, but it does not stay permanently. This is true whether it is pleasant or unpleasant. We learn that It is the nature of mind. When I write in my journal, I note what is happening in the moment and what I am feeling about what is happening, or has happened. I explore the thought and follow it back to its origin. I watch the feelings come and go, arise and fall away. This helps me better understand what is going on in my life so that I can then decide what, if anything, I want to do about it.
In my training in Attitudinal Healing we used journaling often. For example, we learned to investigate our dreams to figure out what our subconscious was trying to teach us during our sleep. We would write down the dream in present tense and then look for clues as to meaning of the content, a relationship to current events in our lives, and a relationship to past events, if any. It was a very useful process to pursue. We learned to facilitate each other in exploring the meaning of the dream.
More recently I joined a small group of women to read and study Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. It is a wonderful book for examining what is happening daily with early morning free-form writing of three pages about anything that came up for us during sleep or the day before or the coming day. Once again focusing on thoughts and feelings. The process helps us to bring out the creative juices in ourselves as well as investigate meaning and purpose in our spiritual lives. One wonderful outcome of this group for me was the making of powerful new friendships, some of which continue to this day.
An example of how journaling works for me is something that happened recently. I participated in another 21-day meditation experience organized by my niece, following guidelines from Deepak Chopra. The focus of the meditation experience was “abundance.” I have worked on this issue in the past, in particular, in terms of money, and have been disappointed with the outcome (I didn’t suddenly become rich which I had hoped would happen). I understand that teachers like Chopra frame the exploration of abundance in terms of the whole of life, the entire universe, and the knowledge that in meditation we can get in touch with being part of the whole of life, the entire universe. The universe is abundant so we connect ourselves with abundance. Supposedly when we place a dream or desire during meditation in the midst of the “field of all possibilities,” or universal abundance, we receive what we desire. During this particular 21-day experience I found myself resisting the process more and more. I realized that I did not want to turn my thoughts, again, to obtaining an abundance of money, which was the focus of some of the meditations. I loved the meditations into unlimited consciousness, Infinite Love, but did not want to hope for bringing more money into my life.
I also realized that when I encounter resistance to what is happening, what I am thinking or feeling, there is usually a deeper meaning to be gained. I decided to journal about this issue. The first thing I discovered was once again a feeling of “self-doubt.” I have worked on this “issue” many times in the past and wondered why it was coming up again now. It seemed to me that I wasn’t doubting myself, I was doubting a reality of being able to contact a Universal Consciousness and influence It in my direction. That thought led to two questions: If self-doubt was the problem, what could I do about it? And how does one overcome self-doubt?
I pulled out my Attitudinal Healing text, To See Differently, to see what Susan Trout had to say about it. She says that the most prevalent obstacle to the awareness of love’s presence is self-doubt, and that self-doubt is viewed as a form of fear, stemming from the belief that our minds have separated us from our Source (Universal Consciousness) and from one another, and that this belief is unbearable to us. This remembrance of past confusion and the healing that I did all those years ago helped me to see what I was doing now. In meditating now with Chopra on connecting with my center, Universal Consciousness, the “field of all possibilities,” I was adding a dimension of distrust of the process by insisting that I couldn’t create whatever I wanted. Instead of just relaxing into the moment and appreciating my unity with all that is, I was trying to force the issue of abundance into my physical world. There are a lot of spiritual teachers that insist that this is possible, and maybe it is, but it is not where I want to be right now. So I resisted by subconsciously adding the element of self-doubt. I believed that what might be possible for others was not for me. I doubted that I could produce similar results. I resisted the whole idea of it. And since resistance creates suffering, I suffered from doubting, from feeling separate from my Source, which is Love, and with this whole process.
As I journaled through this process of how self-doubt and meditation and abundance was causing me even more suffering, instead of the joy of abundance, I realized that I was “pushing the river” instead of allowing the river to simply flow. I needed to back up a little, to just do the meditations, and follow the guidelines for answering questions and preforming tasks, and see what happened. I continue on this path, for now.
Another thing that is again bothering me right now is my overall health. I am still dealing with knee pain caused by osteoarthritis, going to physical therapy weekly, and trying to maintain my strength through home exercises. This has been going on for a couple of years now. Added to that, recently, is pain in my feet, making it difficult to walk any distance. For that I am receiving reflexology massage therapy on my feet twice a week. It takes a lot of energy to maintain a positive attitude and strength when in constant pain. I was hoping that the recent meditation experience with Chopra would help me deal with these issues. I want an abundance of health! So far it does not seem to have made a difference.
But the most significant new tool in my arsenal of healing modalities is coming from a book called Aging as a Spiritual Practice, by Lewis Richmond, a Buddhist priest and meditation teacher. In the first chapter Richmond talks about “Lightning Strikes,” those moments in our lives when we are suddenly faced with our mortality and/or the fact that we are aging. These moments are usually very impactful and can be faced with a positive attitude or a negative one. He asks, “when did Lightning Strike you?” I was able to pin point specific events from eighteen months ago that I wrote about at the beginning of this series of blogs: painful left knee, inability to do my usual workout at the gym, a fall resulting in damaged right shoulder and inability to play my violin, a car accident that caused significant damage to my car and shock to my psyche, a very snowy, icy winter and my increasing difficulty to enter and leave my home without shoveling first.
Looking back, I can see the Lightning Strike was actually my eightieth birthday with subconscious rumblings coming to the surface regarding my beloved grandmother’s aging and my belief that I would lose my mental faculties at age 81 and sink into a horrible old age and death like she did. I thought I had done enough psychological work to overcome that belief, but I guess not, since I am questioning it all again. I plan to journal more about this as I continue to read Richmond’s book and investigate my own aging as a spiritual practice.
Self-inquiry questions:
1. Do you journal? Do you do it regularly or sporadically? How does it help you to work through difficulties and challenges?
2. What recent events in your life would you call “Lightning Strikes?” How have they affected you?
3. Where are you in your aging process? Does studying this book, One Year to Live, and journaling about dying and death assist you in preparing for a healthy old age and a “good” death?aring for a healthy old age and a “good” death?
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